so emo

so today has pretty much been an emotional rollercoaster for me. i've been up and down, but mostly down. when i was up, it basically meant i wasn't crying. maybe it was because my mom left for home today, which basically severs my last personal link to home. that is so depressing.

i've talked to many people today, but on aim, not here. for some reason i'm having a really hard time branching out, and even though people are really nice and everything, i just don't know. one of my hall mates in particular is making a clear effort to get me involved but for some reason i'm just into it. and it makes me feel bad. like guilty, even though it shouldn't it just does. i really think i'd be enjoying myself a lot more if i was just more open but i guess i'm just not really a people person. i'm fine once you get to know me, its the getting to know me part that seems to be so difficult. its not like i had a ton of practice socializing in high school, maybe why it wasn't a totally enjoyable experience for me, but i'm worried that i'll do the same thing here and end up having like two friends and otherwise just doing everything alone. how sad am i. it probably just takes some getting used to, but i'm just worried that it'll be like uhs, and (no offense to uhs) but the first two years sucked and i just don't want that again. i've even talked to jon about transfering already, is that terrible? classes haven't started!

so basically i'm in a depressed kinda mood. i'm worried that when kevin calls tonight i'm going to start crying which will probably be all awkward for him, and then...well yeah. plus i'm tired of crying and its making me dehydrated and swollen. i have no idea why i'm so moody. just working on the adjustments. maybe when classes start things will get better. i hope. but if they stay like this for too long, i'm going home. that's it. kaput. i'm not holding out, i don't think its worth it. i'll ride out this year...then maybe transfer? ah god. i need to get a grip.

anyway, i clearly miss you all (whoever you are) very much. keep in touch darlings.